ahhhhh life

Hello All,

Well, I can tell you that the help from Moira has been tremendous in framing my life new. I am not fully programmed yet. However, I am happy sitting in this "nothing' state of being. I feel no desire to get up and get going, being busy and crazy as I used to be. I find no direction of energies and that too is OK. My only doing for now is caring for Sara as has been mentioned in most of the last blogs since 20 Dec. 5.5 weeks now.

Sara did a 7 month crash into a yuck way of life that none of us would ever wish to do. And now a 5.5 week bounce out of that yuck pain filled lonely, separate from the world being. Now she is withdrawing from one of the pain meds and often the reactions are worse that the worst was before I came along. Every morning is pure hell.

Even I have noticed that when I wake and take a summary of my body I tend to look for what and how bad are the pains this morning. I then am able to go YEHAH and find or start looking for what great new adventures are we going to have today. Unfortunately, with Sara she just goes off into the what if it gets worse and never gets better again and creates even greater awareness of more pain and more suffering, and more and more and more and more.

Now, enough of Sara. I am looking this day at what I get out of this relationship. Well, 1st off I easily recognise that I am greatly wanted/needed by Sara who often states that she doesnt' know what she would do without me as I am the only one that has stuck around for the duration.

So, how bad is my need to be needed? Is it enough that I belittle myself and my potential and stay here keeping someone alive that probabaly ought to be turned loose of to make them face up to the reality of what they have created for themselves? I do see a clinging of me to her. And I see also that by my clinging onto giving her reason to live keeps her not owning up to the idea that she created this. I help keep her willing at some level to not get well. Sure she says she wants the pain to go away, who wouldn't, BUT, she has yet to embrace the pain, the creation of this mess. So, my being here supports her not owning this mess....is this clear what I am attempting to get across?

2nd, would be a place to live and some financial support with food. When I stay in my bubble of nothingness, I do not worry about the future. However, that bubble is easily protected in this safe environment of living under the support of Sara and family. Now even there is the potential of moving to a GREAT unit in Mosman Park overlooking the Swan Foreshore. The unit probably is a million dollar home with a 10 million dollar view, ha ha ha. I am certainly moving up. But......there is the but. My only tenure is as this carer. What am I trading to have this?

Freedom to be doing other things. Yet, in my instance...I have no drive to do anything else. CAn I not just accept the bounty that has come my way? That I can have this time to recover my own energies and build stronger again. That God has blessed me with this position, this location, this family, this opportunity?

Am I thinking too much again? or just stating my case? Well, hopefully, I am just stating my case as I see it in this instant. This now.

Good day all.

peace

gene