CFS 4 July 09

4 7 9

Happy 4 July, yehah. I am flat as a pancake this morning. Up early to be with friend George for a cuppa. My alarm went off at 6, I forgot and got up at 6:30. I am out of my regular breaky of glycogen, vit c and protein powder. Did a couple of hard boiled eggs instead.

Drove the 1.5 k to the coffee shop. Realized when I walked to the car that the body felt like it was on serious empty. Very shaky inside. Worse yet when I walked the 100 meters to the coffee shop.

Had a cuppa and not much conversation as we both read our newspapers comparing interesting stories. George got cold early and needed to leave at about 1/2 hour. Normally we go an hour or more. I ought to have reciprocated with a cuppa but didn’t’ as the one that I had had made me feel very off. I was not sure that when I went to stand that I could without falling over.

I was sad that George needed to leave so soon. I was sad that I didn’t feel well enough neither financially nor physically to buy another round of drinks. And I felt elated that I could stand and make my way to the car and home without falling over.

I had a realization last night as I laid down to sleep. I started dreaming before sleep of walking into some shop that needed help and going for the position. Then I visualized what it would be. On one level I didn’t care as long as I had some more income. Sweeping floors, washing tables, windows dishes etc would be fine. Then I had my realization. It was the fact that I just don’t want to work at all. Especially for a time for now. Especially hard labour work. I would prefer to be on nearly sustenance wages and get along with what I have then to be working for a good wage. I am more exhausted than I thought. The body is exhausted but somehow also the minds idea of wanting more for living is not wanting to come up with the energy to do……anything.

I set up my budget last week so that I can do well with the wage that I do get from the Govt. I have all my expenses for the month come out bi-weekly just as I am paid. So, my elec, phone, computer connections are all going to be paid or mostly paid by the end of the month when the bills come due. What is left over from each pay check is mine for food, vitamins and unexpected expenses. Like RAC that is looming due now. And my razor blade for my elec shaver needing to be replaced for $40. with care I will be well able to live with this income. It is close and I will need to be very careful for a very long time to rebuild my coffers, it is doable though.

And, somehow I feel that making this doable is part of my journey for now. I have been asked to join in with Moira and live out bush on her property and help manifest its creation. My concern is that if I did that now, that I wouldn’t have much to bring except major exhaustion. And that if I came now, that I might attempt to do what I have done in the past and that would be to “rise” to the occasion and run on extreme empty to fit in at others expectations of my abilities. That has got to stop. I have to do what I do for me and not to get the acceptance of others.

I still feel/see how I reach out to others to make me feel strong, loved, wanted, even just to be.

This new me needs to find its own strength and become just what I am already and nothing more. Sharing is good, but it / me needs to come to the party with what I have to bring, not what I can conjure up as energy to run the body on where I am borrowing the energy and actually feeling almost like a thief to stealing the energy to do what needs to be done. The energy needs to come from allowing Chi in, food energy to develop wellness and life force created from within rather than a feeling of, “please help me do this”, victim weakness.

The body this morning is shaky, tired, scared of what might yet be in front of me. Will I be able to stabilize at this level of energy weakness? Or will I continue to get weaker even as I think that I am getting a handle on the situation? Unfortunately, I can envision a weaker me. I would not like it. I can survive at this level of finances, not at a situation where I need to pay for more support. That is scarier than where I am just now.

Enough.

Peace

gene